Gwen Stefani Is Jealous Of Kelly Clarkson

Gwen Stefani is now boycotting the MTV Video Music Awards, because she failed to win any good awards last year.

A source told the New York Post newspaper: "Gwen had a ton of nominations and was under the impression that she would be taking home at least one award. But every award, except for that lame best-dressed award, went to Kelly Clarkson. Every time Kelly won, the camera went straight to Gwen. She felt set up."

You know your life isn't going well when Kelly Clarkson is more talented than you. I know a few Mexican guys that can do simple math, but they don't get jealous when the slant-eyes come over and dominate with fraction theories, so Gwen should just grow some balls. She is the most over rated girl in Hollywood. It doesn't make you hot just because you're skinny and blonde, and it doesn't mean you're having sex if you put a picture of your ex girlfriend on a pillow while humping the couch.

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Suri Cruise Can Poop

I normally don't believe everything I read, but E-Online is saying that Tom and Katie are going to have a bronze sculpture made of their daughter's poop. This "Art" will go on display today.

David Kesting claimed:"Babies mostly breast-feed for the first four months, so a baby's first meal of solid food may be a baby's first meal at the dinner table,A bronzed cast of baby's first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family."

Most of the time I pay cheap hookers to take shits on my chest, but that's only when I'm feeling frisky. I have never thought about bronzing one of my own body parts, well, only my penis. But that's been dipped in gold. And by "gold" I mean "genital warts."

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Jessica Simpson Has Fake Lips

Jessica Simpson has finally admitted to surgically enhancing her lips last year. Simpson claims she artificially improved her lips last autumn with the protein-based gel Restylane, which is safer than traditional collagen.

Simpson told Glamour magazine, "I had that Restylane stuff. It looked fake to me. I didn't like that. But... it went away in, like, four months. My lips are back to what they were. Thank God!"

I really don't have a problem with women using the wonders of medicine to improve there physical deformities. In fact, I've done it numerous time. My butt inserts were done for style and sexiness. Not only do I fit into my leotard better, but my double tata spin is fantastic.

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Eat Britney's Sandwich

Britney Spears' half-eaten sandwich is now being auctioned off on ebay. The sandwich was taken from a table at the music awards Britney attended earlier this year.

The seller claims to have been working as a waiter at the event, and he claims: "In situations like this, we're expected to do the usual catering thing, pick up plates after people are done. It does not, however, say anything about how I am supposed to discard their food when they have me pick up their leftovers. The sandwich is an egg salad sandwich with tomato and lettuce on wheat bread. Kevin Federline had a few things to eat that night, but the only leftover item I managed to pick up from him was a corn dog."

I once ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that fell in the garbage, but I doubt I'd ever eat something that touched Britney or K-fed's mouth. It's just not healthy. The only thing worse than eating something like that is sitting next to a black person during any public event. Well, if you're hoping to hear a lot of "Daaaamnnn!! OHHH SNAP YO," than I guess you're in the right seat. Man, this site is so offensive and provocative.

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BREAKING NEWS: Kate Moss Wins Hat Wearing Contest

Kate Moss has been officially named Britain's best hat wearer. She has been usually seen wearing a trilby - whatever the hell that is - and looks good in it, I guess.

A spokesman said: "Kate manages to wear the most elaborate and extravagant millinery designs with great confidence and aplomb and, most importantly, without the hat seemingly wearing her."

I would really wish I was one of these hat judges, so I can say things like, "without the hat seemingly wearing her." Call my crazy, but my guess is this makes the ladies wet. Seriously, this is why I hate Britain. Having a hat competition is like masturbating to a cartoon character. She obviously looks hot, but at the end of the day she's still a cartoon. And at the end of the day, a hat is nothing better than a fancy gym sock.

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Jessica Simpson Is Dating John Mayer

Jessica Simpson, who has been linked to Jared Leto and Dane Cook, recently started dating John Mayer.

A source told People magazine: "She's tiptoeing back into the dating world. It's the first stage. She's never been happier."

I don't know how John Mayer closes on most of Hollywood's "it" girls, but I'm pretty sure it's Voodoo. When I'm having trouble getting a girl to like me - which usually never happens - I enlist the help of Papa Tambo, who is a wise Voodoo elder from Thailand. The only problem is he always wants me to pay him in talking kangaroo blood.

Educational note: mixing blood and sperm can easily pass for talking kangaroo blood.

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Lindsay Lohan Loves Sex Toys

Lindsay Lohan has recently been sending sex toys to all of her friends as gifts. She has even sent a number of these items to Kate Moss.

A source close to Lohan said: "Lindsay has been making her female friends laugh by sending them sex toys as she wanted to cheer them up.The latest thing she sent out was an Ann Summers sex toy called the Deluxe Rampant Rabbit. As well as 12 pairs of sexy black thongs, some massage oil and edible underwear she has ordered 12 of the Deluxe Rabbits off the internet."

A kinky sex panther, like myself, uses all kinds of toys in the bedroom, but the best one is my tornado dildo. It is a mold of my penis so the ladies can enjoy me even when I'm out of town. Some say it's to extreme because it draws blood, but I just think they lack imagination.



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Paris Hilton Is Going To Outer Space

It looks like Paris Hilton has already booked a seat on Richard Branson's Virgin Enterprise rocket ship. Various sources claim Paris already paid the $200,000 ticket fee, which is required to take the trip.

Parade magazine claims: "Virgin Galactic’s VSS Enterprise: $200,000. Fare could eventually drop to $30,000. Expected start date: 2008."

I once paid $79 on a pair of ripped and faded jeans, and as expensive as that was, I doubt I'll come up with the $200,000 to enter space. I don't know if Paris realizes that this isn't a ride at disney land, because her being in space is like a polar bear riding on a unicycle. Sure, it might end up with the polar bear juggling bowling pins and doing tricks, but it will probably fall on it's face and kill everyone watching.

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Tara Reid Is Not Allowed Inside

As you'll see in the video, Tara Reid is not allowed into the club, but Paris Hilton comes walking by and gets right in. Tara is not happy about this, but she's sort of like a wet dog. You don't want that thing running around your house and rubbing it's body all over your furniture.

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Shannon Elizabeth Plays Tennis

It's nice to see that we finally have an attractive girl playing tennis. I'm not some sell-out that goes around calling Anna or Maria sexy tennis players, because they aren't. They don't have any competition, so they obviously look hot.

It's like saying a Mexican woman doesn't smell like bathrooms and burritos when standing next to an Indian woman. It's not that she doesn't smell, it's just that the Indian woman's curry chicken scent is far more powerful.

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Agelina Jolie Is Good At Putting On Makeup

I'm pretty sure it's embarrassing to wear sweat pants while watching this video.

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You Can Smell Like Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan is ready to finally make her own perfume, which I'm sure will smell something like French whores and gorillas. I'm sure that men everywhere will run to these women, because you know girls that stink will put out. Obviously.

TMZ reports: " Linds has taken meetings with multiple fragrance manufacturers in hopes of creating her first scent."

Regardless of the kind of tuna this Lohan perfume will smell like, I'm pretty sure it's going to be aged and warm. It really has to be. I know more about smelling good than any other man east of the Mississippi. I may not wash my clothes or shower regularly, but I'm sure to carry around my mini axe spray. One spray, one lay, baby.

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Eva Longoria Loves Being Naked

Eva Longoria has admitted that she walks around her house naked to drive her boyfriend Tony Parker wild.

She told OK! Magazine: "If it's a really warm day I like to walk around the house naked and tease Tony. It sometimes drives him a little crazy, but I like to be provocative like that! It makes our relationship much more intense. You develop this tremendous sense of anticipation and longing for the other person. We have a lot of fun learning from each other."

There's nothing better than a hot girl that loves being naked, except for a hot girl who loves having sex with me, but that's another story. I usually spend a lot of time watching romantic comedies that involve quirky guys winning over a beautiful girl's heart. As sexy as that may sound, many girls don't find it attractive, so I don't know how to get hot girls to walk around my house naked for no reason. But if they did, they could really do anything they wanted. Eva could be clubbing baby seals and tossing orphans into the fire place, and as long as she was naked, I'd be fine with it.

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Britney Spears Is The Face Of Wal-Mart

Britney Spears has signed a multimillion dollar deal that has made her the new face of Wal-Mart. She will promote "I’m Country", which is a new hick line of clothing, cosmetics, and home accessories.

Susan Chambers made the announcement: "We feel that Britney, more than any other celebrity, speaks to the soul of our customer base: the working mother who’s maybe put on weight and let herself go, but who’s still a sassy little number at heart."

You know you run a white trash company when you feel your customers will relate with someone who has "put on weight and let herself go." This is really a match made in heaven. It's kind of like the skull and cross-bones guy becoming the face of poison, only Britney is now the face of fat and disgusting. Unlike The Darkhat, which most people believe is the face of erotic sex, and tube socks.

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Jessica Simpson Likes Tight Pants

My mother always told me, "if you got the ass for tight pants, flaunt it, honey." Apparently, Jessica has learned the same thing, and I doubt anybody will be upset about this.

It's pretty hard to tell whether she's going to a biker rally, concert, gang bang, or a funeral, but it really doesn't matter. I would have sex with her at all of those. It wouldn't matter if it was her own funeral. It's always exciting to see if I could get off before they pull me off the corpse.

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Jake Gyllenhaal Will Play Lance Armstrong

Jake Gyllenhaal has signed on to play cyclist Lance Armstrong in a movie about his life. Matthew McConaughey had been the favorite for the role, but Armstrong let is slip during a talk show on ESPN that Gyllenhaal beat him out.

An ESPN source said: "Lance said that's why he has been spending so much time with them both this summer." Armstrong, McConaughey and Gyllenhaal have been working out and riding bikes for the last 4 months.

I think I would be pretty upset if I worked out for the entire summer and ended up not getting the part I wanted. It reminds me a lot of my high school acting debut of Romeo and Juliet. You see, I memorized all my lines and rehearsed for weeks, but Jessica didn't want to practice the kiss. When it came time for our big moment, I froze up, and we shook hands. The crowd was in awe, but that's only because I was wearing sweat pants and had a boner.

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The Emmy Awards Suck As Usual

The Emmy (cough-cough) old people awards took place last night, and it sucked like always, so I'm just going to run through some of the results that were more interesting. 24 won for best drama and best actor Keafer Sutherland, The Office won best comedy, Megan Mullally won best supporting actress for her role in Will & Grace, and Jeremy Pivens of Entourage won best supporting actor for comedy. Those are really the only awards of any interest. Luckily, I won't waste your time with anything else.

All of the pictures from last night were pretty boring, mostly because going to the Emmy's is like going to your grandmother's house for liver and onions. Your skanky girlfriend is forced to wear a evening gown and sit on plastic covered furniture instead of dressing in high skirts with easy access to the poop shoot.

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I'm Back Bitches, Time To Catch Up

Alright losers, the problem took longer to fix than I thought, but I am now up and running again. Here is some of the stuff you may have missed, or probably saw on someone else's site in the last two days. Anyways, it's already getting late so I'm not going to restart regular updates until Monday. Go masturbate to black on black porn for now.

Kristen Cavallari likes Victoria's Secret. (Popoholic)

Heather Locklear has a nice ass. (Egotastic)

Lindsay Lohan smells good. (Hollywoodtuna)

Tom Cruise VS. Paramount. (MSNBC)

Kelly Brook is really hot. (I don't like you)

Jessica Alba with Wilmer!? (Nosy Snoop)

Angelina still hates her dad. (D-listed)

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This Sucks

OK, so that problem with the wireless I talked about two days ago is back ruining my life. I have been guaranteed it will be fixed by tomorrow morning. So come back tomorrow, you bastards.

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Britney Spears Hates Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson was snubbed backstage at the Teen Choice awards by local fat ass, Britney Spears. Simpson asked Spears if she could kiss her pregnant belly, and Spears got really upset

After Simpson made her request, Spears immediately yelled: "Hell, no!" A backstage witness said:"Jessica was really insulted, but Britney refused to let her do it."

When you're as hot as Jessica Simpson, you can pretty much do whatever you want, so I'm pretty sure Britney is half retarded. If I walked in on Jessica drowning a child with down syndrome I'd help her hold the kid's head down. Yes, she's that hot.

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Everybody Thinks K-Fed Sucks

Besides normal people, the Hip-Hop community also thought Kevin Federline sucked ass during his debut performance at the Teen Choice awards.

XXL magazine editor in chief Elliot Wilson said:"I think we ignore him. He's a joke, basically. I just don't think he gets it. He doesn't get that he's Britney's man and it's hard to take him seriously." Another XXL edtor, Hall adds:"The thing that really hurts him is the fact that he's perceived as Britney's husband. You know, kinda like Britney's second - I don't even want to say second in command, but - he's like the Britney Boy. He's like Mr. Spears, and it's kinda hard to get over that perception."

I've seen plenty of people suck at stuff in my life -which makes me an expert on knowing when someone sucks - and Kevin Federline is the worst rapper I have ever seen. And his performance at the Teen Choice awards made little kids carve out their eyeballs with ice cream scoops. I would rather take hedge clippers to my penis before hearing him rap again.

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Tom Cruise Is So Fired

Tom Cruise is no longer working with Paramount Pictures. Cruise's crazy behavior has become too much for the studio, and they need to end their relationship.

Viacom Chariman Sumner Redstone, had this to say:"As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal. His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount."

I haven't had as many real jobs as some people may think, but I got fired from all of them, so I don't judge Tom for it. My last job consisted of me jerking off at the local sperm bank. Based on my new Babysitter's Club book I'm reading, I'm pretty confident that I'll have a genius daughter who solves local crimes, and teaches people a lesson.

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Amanda Bynes Gains 400lbs

Since I'm a sexy body builder who's known for showmanship and style, I have trouble understanding how people gain so much weight. I'm pretty sure Amanda Bynes has had some new surgery where they put fat into your body, or she eats baby calfs for dinner.

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Tony Soprano Is Ernest Hemingway

The Soprano's lead character, James Gandolfini, will appear as legendary author Ernest Hemingway in a new movie about the author's life.

Database continues with: "Gandolfini will develop and produce the film for US cable network HBO, where the actor has signed a three-year production deal."

I'm not sure Ernest Hemingway was a crazy gangster who wacks people for looking at them wrong, but this is acting. I usually "act" all the time when I dress up in my sexy Lamb outfit for the girl's downtown. I prance around wagging my tail, and they rub my tummy. Usually guys throw beer at me and animals try to eat me, but they don't know what they're getting themselves into. I'm like a wolf in sheep's clothing, baby. With a 20 pound penis.

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Problems..

OK, so I went to North Carolina for vacation and the entire internet has been dead all day. Some white trash tech guy, with a weird accent, told me it should be all good in the morning. Be ready for updates tomorrow morning bitches, unless people here are as dumb as they seem, which I'm sure is true. Honestly, I walked 30 minutes down thet street to pick up some wireless off of a lake house mansion. I'm not kidding. And I'm not going to do updates on the side of the road. I'm going back to the house I'm staying at. See you tommorrow.

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Justin Timberlake Is Distracted

Justin Timberlake has admitted that he can't have sex while music is playing in the background. He claims the music distracts him from what he's trying to do under the covers.

He told a Britain magazine "I have trouble having sex to music because I'll start picking out the chords."

A young stallion, like myself, can pleasure a woman no matter what's going on around me. Whether there's a crippled person being robbed or a child burning to death, it doesn't matter. My concentration is centered around aroma therapy in the bathtub and massages in the bedroom. I'm such a hopeless romantic, until it comes time for anal sex and banging her in my Mulberry Swing.

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Lindsay Lohan Can Do This

Many scholars from the old country talk about special skills human beings possess. Some can jump high, others are mathamatics specialists, some are even master sword fighters, but none of them can stand on all fours and look sexy. These were taken over the weekend while Lindsay was on a beach in Malibu.

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Osama Hearts Whitney Houston

Kola Boof - who was once one of Osama Bin Laden's sex slaves - has written an autobiography that claims he is obsessed with Whitney Houston and even considered killing her husband Bobby Brown.

She had this to say in the September Harper's: "He told me Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He said that he had a paramount desire for [Houston] and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting. He said he wanted to give [her] a mansion that he owned in a suburb of Khartoum. He explained to me that to possess Whitney, he would be willing to break his color rule and make her one of his wives. In his briefcase, I would come across photographs of the Star [magazine], as well as copies of Playboy. It would soon come to the point where I was sick of hearing Whitney Houston's name."

If you are going to take anybody's word as fact, it would have to be a former sex slave from Afghanistan. I'm not saying she's a liar, but when the majority of the people in that country throw rocks at donkeys for fun, they don't have much credibility. If I were a ruthless dictator, I would definitely force a super hottie like Scarlett Johansson to lay flower pedals everywhere I walked, and swallow my sperm like the cure for hepatitis was in it.

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Kevin Federline Is An Embarrassment

Last night Kevin Federline had his first live performance at the Teen Choice awards, and it was probably one of the saddest things I have ever seen. I would rather watch my grandmother die from terminal brain cancer before watching him perform again. And yes, I'm one of the few non-teens who watched the Teen Choice awards. And yes, this video has horrible quality, but it's the only one out right now. I probably won't update when a better one comes out because a blurry K-fed is better than a non-blurry K-fed.

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Mel Gibson Won't Apologize To Jews

Mel Gibson has turned down the offer made by Rabbi Baron to publicly apologize to Jews on Yom Kippur. The Rabbi thought it was a good way to prove Gibson isn't anti-Semitic after those drunken comments he made last month.

The Temple Of The Arts rabbi said: "I was told Mr. Gibson is deeply involved in personal work which includes rehab, therapy and counseling for alcoholism."

I've always found the best way to piss people off that you've insulted is to never apologize. It's just like that time in high school when I stole the SAT answers and was put on trial in front of the counsel. The committee was insulted by my complete disregard for rules, but I never apologized. Even when they fed my girlfriend's legs to a gorilla. I never apologized.

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