Scarlett Johansson can't sing

Luckily Scarlett is the hottest girl on the planet, because she can't sing for anything. I'm pretty sure the noise a burning panda bear makes sounds better. It's not like I would ever say it to her face, though. If this girl was standing next to me I'd try to jerk off through my pocket.

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Scarlett fell down

I swear to fucking God, if you laugh at her I will eat your wife's fetus. I'm not joking. Don't make fun of my girlfriend... she's the only one for me.

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Scarlett Johansson has cleavage

Scarlett hosted SNL this weekend, and she was funny because she's basically the hottest girl on earth. She could burn paraplegic orphans and I'd give her a standing ovation. Hell, I could fall in love and get married tomorrow, but I'd still cheat on my wife with Scarlett.

btw: If you're interested, you can watch her opening monologue here.

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Scarlett Johansson Is Not Exciting

In Scarlett's new Vogue shoot, she seems as boring as a plank of wood. Or a fishing competition. But that doesn't mean she isn't hot. She's so sexy that when she dies, I will probably masturbate during her eulogy.

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Scarlett Johansson Has Outtakes

If any of you masturbate to Scarlett as much as me you probably remember her sexy Esquire shoot a few months ago. Well, these are some of the outtakes from that shoot - and even though they aren't that great - my dick can still hold up the weight of my body right now. And it can also smash a brick. True story.

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Scarlett Johansson Shows Her Boob

Please believe me when I tell you that I could teach a monkey to cure cancer if it meant I could have sex with Scarlett Johansson. I would even give the monkey a suit, and he could give speeches on how the process works. Maybe his name would be Winthrop?

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Scarlett Johansson May Get The Plague

22 year old Scarlett Johansson is currently traveling through India and Sri Lanka, raising awareness about global poverty with international agency Oxfam. These pictures are from the Oxfam-funded Dalit school in the north Indian state of Uttar Pradesh.

Said Scarlett, who is currently in India: “I met a young girl, Gudiya, at a school for Dalit children, a community considered to be the lowest class. She was an amazing, bright young girl, full of ambition and attending the fifth grade. When asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, she said ‘a government official’. Every morning she rises at three a.m. to study and then complete the household chores before walking for half an hour to school.”

This story reminds me of when I was in Fifth Grade and Cass Winthrop from "Another World" came to the Southland Mall to sign autographs. I told him that my daddy left us and my mother works 2 jobs. Cass patted my head, then quickly moved on, and it made me wish I had made up a better story - like my parents dying in a fire and me being an orphan. #@$%#!!

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Scarlett Johansson Is The Sexiest, Again

Scarlett Johansson has topped Playboy's annual 25 Sexiest Celebrities list. She blew away competition like like Angelina Jolie, Beyonce, Pam Anderson, Jennifer Lopez, Paris Hilton, and Jessica Alba.

The magazine writes: "Scarlett Johansson is the apex of beauty and sensuality - from her porcelain skin to her fully feminine figure to her mysterious charisma, which is at once palpable and indefinable."

Over the last two years, I'm pretty confident that Scarlett has won every sexy award that exists. She obviously deserves it, but I just don't know where it can go from here. Maybe we can build a huge gold statue of her in the middle of Central Park. And it can show her doing something cool like a karate kick. Her outfit would be sexy, but her fierce passion would be what people admired.

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