WTF? Britney did a concert

Apparently Britney Spears did a short performance at the House of Blues in San Diego last night. She lip-synced songs like Baby One More Time and Toxic. Judging by these pictures, she looks like she could stop eating those boston cream donuts, and start doing some sit-ups. Or blow jobs. Because those feel good, baby!

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Britney Spears is sooo classy

I really hope her children don't live long enough to see what their mother truly is, and based on her parenting, I'm sure they are better off being raised by a toaster. Seriously, this woman has as much class as school on Sundays.

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Britney is drinking

Word around town is that Britney Spears is back drinking again, regardless of what she learned in rehab.

MSNBC reports: The singer “tossed back glasses of wine” at a friend’s Beverly Hills condo with her cousin Alli Sims on April 14, according to the mag, which reports that the two were later spotted at the hotspot Parc, where she had more wine. The next day, she went to the Japanese restaurant Shu Sushi, where she allegedly drank sake...

I'm far from a doctor - and I printed my high school diploma off the Internet - but I"m pretty sure the world is a safer place when Britney is sober. Britney Spears drunk is about as safe as a lion with AIDS raping you. In the ass.

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WTF? Britney is getting skinny

Mathematicians and kids who won the science fair are baffled at the recent transformation of Britney Spears. Wasn't she 700 pounds two days ago? To be honest, I really don't know, but it's time to clean the cob webs off my penis.

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Britney Needs To Shut Up

IF you're not a sexy girl that wants to have sex with me, or a vampire killer, you need to shut up. Because any time you try to make a point you're just going to look stupid. Obviously she is kidding, but she isn't funny. I would rather watch old people drown.

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Britney Spears Wants Luke Walton

When you ask Britney if she likes a boy, she says the same thing a 12 year old girl would: "back that ass up." Yah, that's right. I think.

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Britney Has No Bra, Again

What a mess. I just want to know why the hell she has that wet spot in the middle of her chest. And where the hell is she going in that shirt? My mom told me it's somewhere classy, but Britney shouldn't open her mouth again unless she has a penis in it.

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K-Fed Is The Biggest Mistake

Regardless of earlier reports that claim K-fed would only get $1 million, it now looks like it will be more around $13 million. When the two met with lawyers last week, they agreed once and for all to end it, and Britney said to Kevin, "You’re the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, but thank you for my babies."

MSNBC reports on the details...

* A 2004 pre-nup called for K-Fed to get $250,000 for each year of their marriage, but Spears upped that figure to $500,000 to speed up the negotiations.
* He receives half the proceeds from their Malibu mansion, which is on the market for $13.5 million.
* $25,000 a month in child support for each of the couple’s two children until they reach 18. He also gets custody of the boys four days a week.
* Federline gets to keep all the gifts Spears bought them during their marriage.
* He’s forbidden from writing a tell-all about their marriage.

Did she really think this was going to end any other way? The guy is more worthless than a bag of toe nail clippings and now he's set for life. And I'm stuck in Bosnia building huts for the poor people. I don't care if I don't get paid. The worm soup and leaves is all I need. Well, except for love.

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Avril Hates Britney

While most people have been supportive of Britney's insanity, Avril would rather throw her in a well.

She told The Sun: "What's happened to Britney is all down to who she is as a person. If you want a piece of this business you have to be able to deal with it. You can't complain about pressures, the paparazzi, the madness because that's the job."

Avril goes on to say that she loves to drink and party too, but that she can handle it and "no one really gets to know". Uhh. Wasn't it 6 months ago that Avril was spitting at paparazzi at Hyde? And wasn't it yesterday that I saved little Johnny from his kidnappers? Damn, right. Take that, you bastards.

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Britney's Hair Is Coming Back

Britney spent last night watching the Lakers' game, and she dressed like a damn mascot. I don't think Kobe even wears his uniform this much, but he probably wears those glitter glasses. Because glitter glasses our sexy! At least that's what my mom tells me.

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Britney Will Have You Shot

On Sunday, a church security guard pulled a gun on a photographer trying to snap Britney Spears.

The undercover officer, a retired policeman, ran out of the Hollywood church, aimed his weapon and shouted: "Get out of your car, get down."

He then handcuffed the photographer and accused him of trying to run over a traffic policeman before eventually releasing him.

Mike Hooper, executive director of the church, said: "One photographer was on the wrong side of the road and tried to run over an officer who had stopped traffic. He kept coming and one of our guards pulled a gun out. I cannot speak for the security officer, but he does not regret it. This is a church, not a concert."

I'm not sure if having a gun pulled on you is reasonable for taking Britney's picture, but it doesn't seem to cruel. Why not feed the man to an alligator for having his shoes untied? Or throw him into a shark tank for spilling some milk?

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Britney Wants To Bang This Guy

Britney Spears has found love at an AA meeting. His name is Jason Filyaw, and you can see his myspace page here. He is the 33-year-old, lead guitarist of a band called Riva. Sources say that she calls him constantly and her nicknames for him include:Mr. Secret Underground Guy and J-Sun.

A source said "Britney adores Jason. He's been a tower of strength for her at the lowest point in her life. She's convinced Jason can help her through rehab because, as an alcoholic, he's been through the same thing."

Everybody knows the best time to pick up a girl is when she's at her weakest. And going to an AA meeting shows you are powerless. I actually go to AA meetings all the time just to pick up women. The solution to their addiction is in my pants. And it isn't going to suck itself, baby!

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Britney Spears Is Not The Anti Christ

I know it may be hard to believe, but that Britney suicide story is starting to look like it isn't true. x17 had this to say about the ridiculous events...

"Over the weekend, some news outlets started picking up on rumors of Britney Spears attempting suicide at the Promises rehab facility in Malibu. The rumors are believed to have taken root after an ambulance showed up at the facility last week on Wednesday. X17 did not report on the paramedics' visit because we didn't want to create questions or concerns where none were warranted. If you read most articles on the supposed attempted suicide, most are written with unnamed sources and with direct quotes attributed to no one. We saw Britney later in the evening on the 28th, the same day we saw the ambulance ,attending her first AA meeting outside of rehab. She was looking good and healthy -- far from what you'd expect someone who'd just attempted suicide to look like! She was out again the next evening for a Thursday night AA meeting, where X17 caught up with Brit exclusively. She gave us a sweet wave and a smile -- she looked great! So all-in-all, I'm not so sure I believe this story ..."

Whoa. So Britney didn't try to hang herself by writing "666" on her forehead? Whatever. And Jessica Stonebridge didn't give me the clap in 10th grade. We both know the truth. And we all know that the Anti-Christ is just laying low, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. I only have room in my bomb shelter for 3 more females, so act fast!

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Britney Spears Is The Anti-Christ

Since the dawn of my penis, mankind has waited for a story so big that nobody would believe it. Now we may have it. I am just going to quote most of the article because I don't want to rewrite it. Here goes...

According to News of The World and other sources: "Britney Spears has flipped her lid in rehab, trying to hang herself with a bedsheet after screaming 'I am the anti-christ' to frightened staff. She made the demonic cry after scrawling the devil's number '666' across her head... the staff found her before she hurt herself."

The only way this story could get any crazier is if a wizard flew in on a unicorn and stabbed her in the throat with an enchanted sword. Maybe the sword of courage. Or maybe he would just cast a spell on her that made her fat and pregnant. Wait... uhh.

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Britney Isn't Wearing Her Bikini

Britney decided to borrow a bikini from the girls in the above picture after she was denied a hotel room due to having no money on her. She refused to leave and just hung out by the pool with them. Classy.

Us weekly reports:“It was sad,” says a source. “It looked like she really needed a friend.” She got two – at least for a few hours. Around noon, Spears (then in a blonde wig) began chatting up a woman in the bathroom, who offered to loan the pop star a bathing suit. Spears followed her new friend to her hotel room where -- after changing into a borrowed bikini -- she raided the minibar. “She grabbed four or five bottles and just started mixing everything and drinking them.”

I don't know what kind of Jesus juice she she was making by mixing 5 bottles, but it was hopefully a death mix. And it hopefully dissolves her organs within the next 24 hours. And she hopefully gives these poor girls their bikini back. bitch.

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Bald Britney Is For Sale

A bald Britney Spears doll has been sold on Ebay to the lucky person who bid $182.49. I think you would be better off feeding your money to a shark, but I guess some people are suckers. Just like Winthrop in the poker finals last year. He never saw my pocket aces, baby!

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Britney Will Stab You With An Umbrella

This is the video of Britney attacking the paparrazi with an umbrella after K-fed refused to talk to her. I'm pretty sure Happiness magazine is going to name her mother of the year. And the mayor will give her the key to the city.

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Britney Spears Is Suicidal

Numerous reports are circulating that claim Britney Spears tried to kill herself twice after shaving her head. How did she try to kill herself? Get this, she tried to walk into oncoming traffic.

The source claims:"After she shaved off her hair, Britney had a complete breakdown and tried to kill herself."

The most interesting part of the story is that she tried to walk into traffic. People have no imagination anymore. What ever happened to a good old fashioned hanging, or just shooting yourself in the head. If I killed myself I'd do something clever at the end, like blame my parents. Or only be wearing Duck Tales boxers.

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Britney Does Drugs Or Has Lice

Most of the world is still trying to figure out the reasons for Britney shaving her head, and it is a toss up between two scenarios. One claims she has lice, while the other claims she did it to avoid drug testing.

The Daily Mail says: "She thought lice were eating her hair extensions, so decided to get rid of them as soon as possible."

While Extra is saying this: "Kevin threatened Britney that he was going to have people test her hair to find out exactly what she’s been up to. She was so scared. That was what made her have her head shaved."

It can't be good when you shave your head for lice or drugs, so she basically has nothing going for her besides millions of dollars. I once had to shave my head when me and my arch-rival had our frogs compete in a jumping contest. I obviously lost the battle, but it wasn't until years later that we realized it was our hidden friendship that kept the town going. And our good sportsmanship.

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Britney Spears Is In Rehab, Round Two

Britney Spears has checked herself into rehab again. Last week, the pop-singer "checked herself into a rehab facility in Antigua but checked out less than 24 hours later." A rep for the singer told People that she "has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility" in Los Angeles yesterday.

I don't know what the hell this girl is addicted to besides Big Macs and wiggers, but it must be pretty serious if it was necessary to shave her head and check into a clinic. This reminds me of the last time I was in trouble and had to reach out for help. I didn't shave my head first, though. All I needed was an emergency hug with my group, The Ladies who Love too Much.

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