The twins are here.

I still don't understand the fascination with these twins, or any babies for that matter. When I get a girl pregnant I change states. And change my hair color. And punch her in the baby maker.

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Angelina Jolie has a disease?

The always honest National Enquirer is claiming that Angelina Jolie has a "deadly disease."

News.com reports: Jolie's brother James Haven has publicly stated he is worried about his sister's health, though he was more concerned with her shocking weight loss since giving birth to baby Shiloh last May. He has also told a British paper that she was not eating well and that both he and Pitt were concerned and pushing her towards a healthier lifestyle.

I contemplated whether or not I should post this story for 10 minutes, mostly because I know it's bullshit, but also because I'm worried it might be true. And I heard it was cool. This is also the same reason I started smoking cigarettes. And also quit.

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Angelina Jolie was always a slut

Angelina Jolie has claimed that she used to strip and make-out with boys in Kindergarten.

She said: "I was a member of a group called the Kissy Girls. I was very sexual in kindergarten. I created a game where I would kiss the boys and give them cooties. Then we would make out and we would take our clothes off. I got in a lot of trouble!"

She went on to say: "I had started having sex with my boyfriend and the sex and the emotions didn't feel enough. I was no longer a little girl. In a moment of wanting to feel closer to my boyfriend I grabbed a knife and cut him. He cut me back. We had an exchange of something and we were covered in blood, my heart was racing. Then whenever I felt trapped, I'd cut myself. I have a lot of scars. It was an age when I felt adventurous and after a few beers things happened."

I'm not too surprised Angelina Jolie was in a group called kissy girls, because I was in a group called boner boys. We would solve mysteries in the town, especially ones that involved ghosts in Mr. Johnson's basement. But we also got boners. And had group masturbation parties. Ahh, the gold old days.

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Angelina May Be In Trouble

Word around town is Angelina Jolie may have a some trouble with Pax Thien Jolie. Apparently he was born to a heroin addict and left in a Vietnam hospital, because his mother couldn't pay the $30 bill. Now his mother may contest the adoption, because only his grandparents signed the documents.

Pax's grandfather said: "Our daughter is a heroin addict and her life has been ruled by drugs. When she finds out a rich movie star has adopted her baby, she will go after her for money and make trouble. She may even try to take the child back."

I'm pretty sure this woman will try to use Angelina as a cash cow, but once Angelina sends her 20 bucks it should all be taken care of. And other people are wondering why I just said the term "cash cow." It's because I just saw it on Lifetime. Damn you Debbie! You only married into the family for the money!

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Angelina Jolie Adopts Another Kid

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to adopt again, and this time it's going to be from a Vietnam orphanage. They are in Vietnam now awaiting a passport from the American consulate so that she can bring home their new child. The new freak show is a 3-year-old boy whose name will be Pax Thien Jolie; in Latin, the name means peaceful sky.

Adam Pertman, the executive director of the Evan B.Donaldson Adoption Institute, said:"The truth is that any child who has been without a permanent family for the first three years of life is very lucky to go into a home where he can get the kinds of help that this child will need."

This family is basically turning into a joke, and I know Brad doesn't like it. He just wanted to bang a freak, but now his entire life has changed. Sure, I spend hours doing book readings at orphanages, but I know that I'm only "friends" with the children. Being a fire fighter, astronaut, and adopting children is just too much for me. I can't spread myself that thin, because I love the kids.

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Angelina Jolie Is Not Eating, Less Fat

Since her mother's death, Angelina Jolie has stopped eating and dropped to 109lbs.

A source told Us Weekly magazine: “She isn’t eating. She is very lonely and desperate to make new friends.”

The source added: “Brad has been worried about her day and night. She has been under so much stress, and Brad is trying to be understanding.”

Most of the supermodels I date claim that 109lbs is still a little to heavy, so I wouldn't be upset to see Angie drop a few more pounds. I never understand why jealous friends get upset when someone is losing a lot of weight by not eating. They are usually fat and just don't have the dedication to purge up their meals.

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