Lindsay Beats Paris At Her Own Game

Lindsay Lohan was at Dragonfly nightclub in Hollywood Sunday evening, and sources claim she was making out with Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos. It happened inside the club, and when the two came out, Lindsay ran to her SUV with Greek shipping heir Stavros right behind her. Lindsay got really upset when she was questioned about this.

When the TMZ cameraman asked: "Lindsay, how was your make out session?" Lindsay responded with "Fuck off and die."

You can watch the entire video of the events I just mentioned here. Anyways, it appears Lindsay has the best ways to get even with her enemies, have sex with their ex-boyfriends. I'm just upset I rarely meet girls with morals that low. Between the girls I meet at the physics lab and hookers I meet on the street, I find the hookers are more honest. At least they know their place in the world. Smart girls think they're just as good as men. Silly girl, go make me a sandwich.

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Danni Minogue Looks Better Wet

Most people don't even realize who Danni Minogue is, and it's because she's a horrible Austrailian singer/actress. As much as I love seeing girls soak themselves in water, I'm not sure this girl is even real. She's from Australia. Have you ever even met anyone that's been to Australia? I'm pretty sure it's a land of fantasy where kids ride around in Kangaroo pouches and men slay dragons for beautiful princesses.

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Rosie O'Donnell And The View Still Suck

If I hear one more person say, "Oh my god, that Rosie O'Donnell is a great new addition to The View," I will probably kick them in the face. I'm not kidding. This is the stupidest show in the world, and I would rather get anally raped by a elephant before I laughed at any of their stupid jokes. Everybody thinks this Elmo clip is hilarious, but if you think that, cut off your balls. This whole show makes me sick to my stomach. losers.

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Scarlett Johansson Gets Waxed

Scarlett Johansson was very scared before having her first Brazilian wax. When she came in to New York's Oasis Day Spa recently, she was "a nervous wreck."

When Scarlett removed her clothes, a source revealed: "The waxing crew couldn't stop admiring her body."

I'm pretty sure seeing Scarlett Johansson remove her clothes has to be a big event, whether it's in a bedroom, day spa, or autopsy room. It's one of those things that never gets old, and is always appreciated. Much like peanut butter cups. You can never get tired of those, unless you're a communist.

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Lindsay Lohan Is Kind Of Single

Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton broke up Thursday night, but some say they are speaking again. Basically, everyone is saying something different.

Lohan's rep claims: "They are together now." But a source tells People magazine:"Harry broke up with Lindsay yesterday at Chateau Marmont after they had dinner on the courtyard patio. Nothing happened at dinner, but shortly afterward, he broke up with her. She was too much drama,Lindsay did cut down on the partying, but with her it's all relative. Harry is sober. It wasn't the partying that broke them up. Harry's more low-key and not into the same stuff she's into." However, Lohan's friend says: "No one 'dumped' anyone. You don't dump people when you're 20 and 25. You have a mature relationship, and you take a break and you see what happens. Everyone does that."

The reason I never get dumped is because I have the old fashioned charm of a southern gentlemen, and I'm a Kung Fu champion. I can even punch through a piece of wood. With my hand! Anyways, Lindsay is pretty much fair game at this point. If nobody can agree on anything, she's Ms. Rebound.

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Jessica Simpson Will Destroy Hooters

Jessica Simpson's father has convinced her to back him in a chain of restaurants based on the character she played in the Dukes of Hazzard. The restaurant chain will be called Daisy Duke's, and they will serve fried food while having waitresses walk around like turbo skanks.

A source told America's Life and Style Weekly magazine: "Joe's going to make a lot of money from this. The flagship eatery will open in Las Vegas' Caesar's Palace next year, and Jessica will reportedly commit to make at least five appearances at the venue each year."

I've never been too excited over any of these Hooters type restaurants. Not only does the food suck, but if the girls won't lick my ass I don't even want to talk to them. And don't tell me the buffalo wings are good. They're as overrated as Perez Hilton.

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Paris Hilton Really Is This Stupid

This is the Dateline NBC footage of Paris Hilton being questioned by the police. I have to admit, when I reported about it yesterday, I didn't totally believe some of the quotes, but listen for yourself. I would pick a mute frog over her if I needed a partner for a Academic decathlon.

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I Just Puked In My Mouth

Barbra Streisand, who is 64 years old, forgot her bra while attending the Clinton Global Initiative in New York. I don't know who she thinks she's seducing, but it's not me. I'm pretty sure if I was driving at night -and she was standing in the middle of the road yelling for help - I'd run straight into her for fear that she was some deadly new breed of gorilla.

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Everybody Wants To Kiss Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba has been voted the woman that most men want to make out with.

The Sun reports: "Her gorgeous body and perfect features had already made her a sensation among male fans, but now another one of her many assets - her perfect pout helped Jessica beat off competition from Angelina Jolie's luscious lips to top a new poll by Colgate to mark Oral Health Month. "

Look. My penis decided a long time ago that it wants to make out with Jessica Alba, so I really don't care what kind of poll was done. My penis is like an unbiased group of judges and officials that can not be bought. And we will never surrender!

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Tara Reid Has Smaller Breasts, Still Ugly

You probably already know this, but Tara Reid checked into a Beverly Hills clinic on September 7 to have her first set of implants replaced with smaller ones. Anyways, these are pictures of her from the Vintage LA 2006 fashion show.

At first I was going to say they look a lot smaller, but now I'm not so sure. This is unbelievable, because she doesn't look like a fall down drunk in these pictures. I'm just waiting for her look to change a little. I feel like every time I see her it looks like she spent the last 45 minutes swallowing pieces of glass.

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Jack Osbourne Wears Pink Underwear

According to a survey conducted by my mom, I know everything there is to know about women, and I'm a great catch. I'm pretty sure that pink underwear don't seduce supermodels the same way my neon purple butterfly underwear do, but their obsession with me might have to do with other factors. Things like my G.I Joe bed sheets and Saved by the Bell posters.

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Kristin Cavallari Is Maybe On Myspace

I've waited two days to post about this because I'm waiting for Kristin's people to come out and say whether or not this is a fake myspace. A bunch of sites are taking it as fact right now, mostly because of the hot and slutty candid pictures that are up. If I ever get married, I'd cheat on my wife with Kristin Cavallari without thinking twice. Even if she was in the same room with me, I'd take off my ring and throw it at my wife's face, than punch her in the stomach. You can see her myspace here, which has a bunch of different pictures and other shit. I already left her a comment, so I'm hoping she'll leave me one on my page since I'm a sexy hunk.

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Jessica Simpson Probably Didn't Bang Bam Margera

Jackass star Bam Margera has brought back rumors that he banged Jessica Simpson while she was still married. While on the Howard Stern show two days ago, Stern interrogated Margera about Simpson, asking about the night the two spent together.

Margera claims they: "wound up at her parents house drinking margaritas and it went from there" and said afterwards he "left at eight in the morning". When Stern asked Margera if Simpson looked good naked, he said she had a personal trainer for the film adding: "Yeah, she looked good. I can't deny that!"

I'm going to pray that this isn't true, because if it is, I'm going to jab my penis into a cactus. Anything that can remove the thought of Bam sleeping with one of the hottest girls in the world. I mean the guy skate boards for Christ sake. That's as cool as playing the air guitar and drinking Zima.

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Steve-O Masturbated On Nicole Richie

Jackass star, Steve-O, was on the Howard Stern show yesterday and admitted that he never actually had sex with Nicole Richie, but he did jerk off on her back while she was sleeping.

He said: "She had her back to me and she was dead asleep when I rubbed the first one out. I was, like, trying to wake her up when I was rubbing one out ... and ultimately I squeezed her hard enough the second two times she was totally awake. She never rolled over to face me. I was being so careful not to offend her in anyway because I wanted to be in those tabloid magazines!" When asked if he had a problem with her being too skinny, he said: "I didn't care what she fuckin' ate. I think she looks a lot damn better skinny than fat!"

When historians look back at the great men of our generation, I'm sure Steve-O will be mentioned along with presidents, astronauts, and sexy female detectives. Jerking off on a girl's back while she is sleeping has to be one of the cooler things ever. The only things cooler are New Balance sneakers and masturbating on her face. And ankle socks.

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Paris Hilton Helps Black People

In Paris Hilton's continuing effort to gain respect with the black demographic, she gave $100 to a bum after pulling out of a Mcdonalds drive-thru. I'm pretty sure this was a set up to make her look generous, so assume this is just an actor. You can watch the video here, or just read below.

The bum said:"You Paris Hilton! Can I get a hundred dollars?" Before Paris could answer, he said "how 'bout a dollar?" But Paris was already handing him a $100 bill, and the man took it.

I didn't get the nickname Johnny Generous because I'm a stingy person, it's because I give everything I have to the less fortunate. I haven't got the publicity I deserve, but the cancer patients I help know I care, and that's all that matters. If you could see the look on little Petey's face when I was his secret santa and paid a hooker to show him her tits, you would understand. But he has cancer, which I'm pretty sure is a condition people get that don't have hair, so pray for him.

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Britney Spears Had A Tummy Tuck

Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck after the birth of her second child, Sutton Pierce Federline. If you're an idiot, you won't know that a "tummy tuck" is a surgical procedure that reshapes the abdomen. They basically remove excess skin and fat from the lower and middle abdomen in order to tighten the muscles.

The Bosh claims: "Britney is so desperate to have her old body, she couldn't wait for the weight to drop with exercise."

Look, I'm not one of those hippies who believes in natural stuff like exercise or trees. However a girl chooses to lose weight is fine by me, as long as she loses it. Back when I was a big shot surgeon in Beverly Hills, I use to do this operation all the time, but those days are over. Apparently they revoke your license when girls wake up and see you wearing their panties like a mask. Stop being so sensitive. Share them.

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Kate Moss Will Have Sex Anywhere

Kate Moss took time out of her cocaine habit to visit Pete Doherty at The Priory rehab this weekend. They were all over each other, and with patients watching, the two practically had sex in public.

One man said: “It happened between half six and seven o’clock on Sunday evening. There were a group of people attending a self-help group for the day. Because it was pleasant weather, their leader suggested they move things outside.“But during their session they noticed a couple getting rather fruity on a nearby bench. They were kissing and groping each other. Hands were going up clothing and there was lots of groaning. They were practically having full-blown sex."

I'm not saying this didn't happen, I'm just saying it's hard to trust a bunch of junkies hanging around a rehab center. In the current guide for picking up women that I'm writing on the back of my hand, the best place to pick up girls is at rehab. They are desperate and easy, which is the perfect combination. In related news, the pen I'm using to write this guide is blue.

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Willie Nelson Arrested For Weed

In completely unshocking news, Willie Nelson has been arrested for possession of marijuana and mushrooms after a Louisiana cop smelled pot during a traffic stop.

IMDB says: "State troopers claim they found over a pound of marijuana and less than a pound of magic mushrooms. Nelson and four others were issued misdemeanor citations for drug possession. Each was released after being issued a citation."

It's got to take an expert detective to realize Willie Nelson's tour bus may or may not have marijuana in it. As soon as they cops saw the multi colored bus racing down the street with a big "legalize pot" sticker on the side, they probably thought they had weed. People always judge a book by it's cover, especially when women see me walking down the street. They have countless thoughts run through their heads: Champion weight lifter? Sex machine? Kick boxer? Secret Agent? Big penis? You ladies are so sweet.

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Kelly Brook Is Seductive

I don't know who Kelly Brook wants me to kill by looking at me the way she is in her new photo shoot, but consider them dead. If I was a hitman (note- I really am a hitman) and she slid a envelope over to me with a photo of the person she wanted killed, the picture could be my own mother and I wouldn't even charge her.

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Kevin Federline Will Die In 2032

According to a study conducted by scientists and Blender Magazine, K-fed will die in 26 years. The magazine takes into account Federfag's age, height, smoking habits, alcohol abuse, and marijuana. After that it claims he will die at the ripe old age of 55.

Gerontologist Dr. Demko claims: "Kevin will also need the common sense to ditch the smoking, booze and drugs, which will give him 16 more years to enjoy Britney's money and watch his four (and counting) kids grow up."

I'm not going to lie and pretend like this won't be a bigger day than the superbowl, because I'm already tickled. You know that everybody hates you if people are constantly trying to figure out the day you're going to die. The last time I predicted someone's death I caused the poor girl to get a eating disorder. Ahh, good times.

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Scarlett Johansson Hates Jews

The hottest girl in the world, Scarlett Johansson, became a big fan of Nazi memorabilia while filming The Black Dahlia in Bulgaria. Scarlett became extremely interested in all of the artifacts she found that related to the Nazi's.

She says: "There are a lot of strange things. Like if you go to markets, there is all this Nazi paraphernalia you can buy. It's really interesting. I really enjoyed my time there. It's a fascinating city."

Scarlett Johansson has an effect on me that most people will never understand. She hates the Jews? Me too. She could promote slavery and I'd be on the front line for her campaign. I would start hanging black people if she just licked her lips in front of me. I'm really not joking. I'll pretty much do whatever a hot girl tells me to do, and if they have low self-esteem, it's even better. A girl with low self-respect is always down for anal. Trust me, my friends.

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Pink Believes In Witches

Local nut job with no talent, Pink, had a magic spell put on her husband. Pink, who is married to motocross racer Carey Hart, has revealed the witch's spell will ensure that he would never leave her.

She told Britain's Glamour magazine: "I have a friend who is a white witch and, on my hen night, she cast a love spell on Carey and everyone showered me with rose petals. It was amazing."

There's nobody that hates Pink more than me, and this just clarifies my belief that it is OK to hate somebody without ever meeting them. I'm not going to pretend to know what exactly a white witch is, or what the hell a "hen night" is, but it's safe to say the thought of her covered in rose petals makes me want to vomit. The only people that should believe in witches are loser goth kids who pretend to be depressed over a troubled past, but everyone really knows they wish they had a varsity letter.

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Victoria Beckham Nip Slip

Every once and a while a mediocre chick decides to let her boob hang out to take back some attention that hotter girls get without doing that. Don't get me wrong. I'm not against girls showing me their boobs, actually I encourage it, but there's something strange about this. After discussing the possible solutions with many smart scientists who wear glasses, I figured it out.

The truth is I've looked at plenty of naked Barbie dolls, and they're no different than Victoria Beckham. Sure, her body is near perfection, but I'm pretty sure that her vagina is just like Barbie's. It's just a skin colored outline of underwear with no hole to stick your penis is. And it says "made in Taiwan" on her ass.

The first picture down there is the full nipple slip, and obviously NSFW.

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Britney Spears Sucks At Naming Babies

Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federline have named their second child Sutton Pierce, which is not only a gay name, but it's the same initials as their first child, Sean Preston. I'm sure Britney thinks this is cute, but it's embarrassing. Not only do these kids have to grow up with white trash father like Federfag, but now they get to have matching pink sweater vests.

I'm basically an expert on naming children, because I once found a baby rabbit and named him Herbert Humperdinkle. It was a big hit through the neighborhood. The guys saw me as a entrepreneurial genius, and the girls really saw me as a sweetheart. I loved the little guy, but I think he died or something. I can't remember, I was playing Nintendo I think.

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Lindsay Lohan Fell Down

Lindsay Lohan fractured her wrist after falling at a Fashion Week party in New York. Lindsay's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, claims that it was Milk Studio's fault, and not Lindsay's.

Sloane added that "there's a pending investigation" into the accident, after Lohan claimed Milk Studios didn't take proper measures to prevent her from falling.

I'll usually take any girl's side that I want to have sex with, but I don't know why you really need an "investigation." Let's investigate why Lindsay spends more time at the hospital than a 87 year old paralegic, HIV patient. Every time she falls down she breaks a bone, it's really unbelievable. My bones never break, I drink milk, baby.

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Vanessa Minnillo Is The Reason To Buy Maxim

A classy guy like myself usually doesn't look at Maxim magazine, mostly because I respect women, but this is different. Vanessa is doing an interprative photo shoot that represents the abolishment of slavery, so don't feel bad about masturbating. Unless you're racist, you bastard.

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