Richard Gere may go to jail in India

An Indian judge, who has watched a video of Richard Gere sticking his tongue down the throat of Indian actress, Spilpa Shetty, has issued a warrant for Gere's arrest. The judge stated that the kiss, which took place at an HIV/AIDS awareness event in New Delhi earlier this month, "transgressed all limits of vulgarity." The judge has found Gere guilty of violating Indian laws against public obscenity.

Boy, I haven't heard about someone being in so much trouble over a minor thing since 10th grade when I was caught doing something in the locker room on a Saturday. I never thought I'd have so much in common with Richard Gere. He kissed an actress ... I had anal with Coach Bill while the math teacher videotaped ... same diff. Why are people so uptight?

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Britney Spears is sooo classy

I really hope her children don't live long enough to see what their mother truly is, and based on her parenting, I'm sure they are better off being raised by a toaster. Seriously, this woman has as much class as school on Sundays.

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Tobey Maguire is a dick

I can only imagine the heart break this kid has when Tobey knocks a camera out of his hand. I can really only imagine this because I'm not someone who dresses like a dork and tries to take pictures of Spiderman.

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Carmen Electra Is Boring

Apparently girls in Russia only wear buttons around town, because that's how they dressed up Carmen in the new Russian FHM. I'm not sure if these communists are trying to send a secret message with their backwards letters, but it's really pissing me off. And these pictures aren't even sexy. It takes more than showing some cleavage to be sexy, just ask my modeling coach. My hair doesn't bounce because of my conditioner. It's the sexiness.

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Angelina Jolie has a disease?

The always honest National Enquirer is claiming that Angelina Jolie has a "deadly disease."

News.com reports: Jolie's brother James Haven has publicly stated he is worried about his sister's health, though he was more concerned with her shocking weight loss since giving birth to baby Shiloh last May. He has also told a British paper that she was not eating well and that both he and Pitt were concerned and pushing her towards a healthier lifestyle.

I contemplated whether or not I should post this story for 10 minutes, mostly because I know it's bullshit, but also because I'm worried it might be true. And I heard it was cool. This is also the same reason I started smoking cigarettes. And also quit.

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Britney is drinking

Word around town is that Britney Spears is back drinking again, regardless of what she learned in rehab.

MSNBC reports: The singer “tossed back glasses of wine” at a friend’s Beverly Hills condo with her cousin Alli Sims on April 14, according to the mag, which reports that the two were later spotted at the hotspot Parc, where she had more wine. The next day, she went to the Japanese restaurant Shu Sushi, where she allegedly drank sake...

I'm far from a doctor - and I printed my high school diploma off the Internet - but I"m pretty sure the world is a safer place when Britney is sober. Britney Spears drunk is about as safe as a lion with AIDS raping you. In the ass.

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Lindsay Does A Stupid Magazine

I may not do enough field work as a sexy blogger should, but I have no fucking clue what NYLON magazine is, or why Lindsay is posing for it. But she does look pretty sexy. Almost as sexy as the high school girl I gave the morning after pill to.

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Donald Trump crushes Rosie

With Rosie O'Donnell breaking the news that she will leave The View at the end of the season, you had to know Donald was going to say something. And to be fair, he did call it back when the feud started.

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Tyra Banks is too famous to pay

Self-centered bitch Tyra Banks decided to screw over the working man last Saturday. According to a witness, Russell Simmons and Tyra Banks "dined and dashed" on their bill at the W. 57th St. Brooklyn Diner. They had no problem ordering over $100 worth of food, but they obviously felt they were too important to pay for it.

The diner's general manager confirmed the oversight. "I'm sure it was an honest mistake."

Honest mistake my ass. Tyra making an honest mistake is like a mountain lion accidentally eating a puppy. The world would be a much safer place if Tyra was thrown in a pit with 10 hungry mountain lions. Why 10 you ask? Because 10 is scarier than one. And I'm sure a demon bitch like Tyra can shoot lasers out of her eyes.

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Michelle Rodriguez Is Insane

Please don't ask me why Michelle is pretending it's Halloween. All I know for sure is, if this bitch knocked on my car window I would probably beat her to death with a tire iron before she asked for directions.

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Scarlett fell down

I swear to fucking God, if you laugh at her I will eat your wife's fetus. I'm not joking. Don't make fun of my girlfriend... she's the only one for me.

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WTF? Britney is getting skinny

Mathematicians and kids who won the science fair are baffled at the recent transformation of Britney Spears. Wasn't she 700 pounds two days ago? To be honest, I really don't know, but it's time to clean the cob webs off my penis.

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Heath Ledger as The Joker

Apparently this leaked from Warner Bros. but who knows for sure. And who gives a shit?

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Scarlett Johansson has cleavage

Scarlett hosted SNL this weekend, and she was funny because she's basically the hottest girl on earth. She could burn paraplegic orphans and I'd give her a standing ovation. Hell, I could fall in love and get married tomorrow, but I'd still cheat on my wife with Scarlett.

btw: If you're interested, you can watch her opening monologue here.

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Paris Hilton's phone number is 310-801-0148

Long time hater of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, Shanna Moakler has decided to leak some information about her enemies. She attacked them on her myspace page and released this information:

Paris Hilton: princessph@mycingular.blackberry.net 310-801-0148 djllohan@tmail.com ( cause we like to pretend we are people we will never be talented enough to be) Lindsey Lohan: labellavita7@tmo.blackberry.net.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I didn't call the number, and I'm also not going to pretend I wasn't shocked when the mail box was full. Good luck trying to figure out what the hell her voicemail says. I kind of sounds like a drowning squirrel, so it has to be her.

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Avril Lavigne is wicked out of style

When I consider the fact that Avril Lavigne is becoming a bigger and bigger celebrity every day and that people all over the world actually give a shit about this girl, the only explaination I have is that Avril has a fairy godmother who cast an enchanted spell so that anyone who sees Avril will automatically see her as 1 million times more charismatic than she actually is. This must have been what hapenned back in high school when Maria Papagopolis made it to the cheerleading squad. How could Maria have possibly been a Tartan cheerleader when she has back fat and a moustache and smells like kabob?

Here's a recent picture of Avril pimping out her lousy CD. And, yes, I think those are Vans she's wearing. I know, people. You don't need to say it ... I know.

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Alec Baldwin is good at leaving voice mails

Please keep in mind that Alec is talking to his 11 year old daughter. And please keep in mind this little bitch will answer the phone next time if she knows what's good for her. She's probably out gang banging some little league all-star.

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Kirsten Dunst is humble

All around super bitch, Kirsten Dunst, has been making claims that the Spiderman franchise can only be successful with her. There's been a lot of rumors about the Spiderman 4 cast, and Kirsten gave her opinion.

Dunst said:"Audiences aren't stupid. It'd be a big flop without me, Tobey, or Sam. That would really not be the smartest move."

First of all, you could replace Kirsten with a duck billed platypus that smokes a cigar and nobody would know the difference. In fact, geeks around the world know that she should have died in the last one. At least that's what the comic book says. But now we have a chance to kill her in real life, as long as some super hit man decides to do everyone a favor. Or s he could just walk in front of a fucking bus. Bitch

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Jessica Alba has an ass

At this point, I'm pretty sure I would do anything to have sex with Jessica Alba. You could tie her up in a cage with a tiger and I'd run in their with a spoon to kill it. Hell, I'd strangle it with my shoe laces if I had to. And my shoe laces aren't even that long. And once one came untied in a public rest room. Ewww!

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Akon molests young girls

I'd probably run off stage too if a crowd watched me dry hump a young girl until I had an orgasm in my pants. What the hell is this guy doing? He looks like a freaking horny animal. Unlike me, because the ladies say I have a gentle style that drops their panties and makes them breakfast in bed.

Update: Yah I noticed the video was taken down. This new one should be up for at least 30 seconds.

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Avril Lavigne is an alien

If I saw a girl walking up to me like this, the first question I would ask is where her space ship was. But I'm sure I wouldn't have the chance because she would ask where our leader was and proceed to kill everyone on Earth. Aliens never want peace. I've seen the movies. But they do want cock.

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Simon Cowell doesn't care

One of the reasons I like Simon Cowell is because he really doesn't give a shit. When Richardson gave his support to the Virgina Tech tragedy to take attention away from his shitty performance, Simon wasn't fooled. And he simply rolled his eyes at him.

Backstage, contestant Chris Richardson was left stunned, calling Simon's reaction "sad and hurtful."

A FOX executive explained: "Look, in his defense, Simon felt Chris was cynically deflecting his criticism. It was unfortunate... he clearly was unaware the camera was on him when he rolled his eyes, and he was hardly making a rude gesture to the victims."

I know what it's like to be in Simon's shoes. I was unaware a camera was on me when the supermodels forced me into having an orgy with them. "They wanted proof of the magical moment", they told me. But I know the truth. Jessica wasn't a supermodel at all. She did one spread in Maxim. Whore.

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Angelina Jolie was always a slut

Angelina Jolie has claimed that she used to strip and make-out with boys in Kindergarten.

She said: "I was a member of a group called the Kissy Girls. I was very sexual in kindergarten. I created a game where I would kiss the boys and give them cooties. Then we would make out and we would take our clothes off. I got in a lot of trouble!"

She went on to say: "I had started having sex with my boyfriend and the sex and the emotions didn't feel enough. I was no longer a little girl. In a moment of wanting to feel closer to my boyfriend I grabbed a knife and cut him. He cut me back. We had an exchange of something and we were covered in blood, my heart was racing. Then whenever I felt trapped, I'd cut myself. I have a lot of scars. It was an age when I felt adventurous and after a few beers things happened."

I'm not too surprised Angelina Jolie was in a group called kissy girls, because I was in a group called boner boys. We would solve mysteries in the town, especially ones that involved ghosts in Mr. Johnson's basement. But we also got boners. And had group masturbation parties. Ahh, the gold old days.

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Jessica Simpson is slipping out

If only there was something like fireworks or a guy with a knife to distract Jessica for 3 more seconds. Seriously, I'm pretty sure you can see the outskirt of her nipple. And I'm pretty sure I just stuck my penis in a jar of mayonnaise because I didn't know where else to put it. And who eats mayonnaise anyway?

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