Diddy Is Full Of Shit

P Diddy is claiming that he once had sex with Kim Porter for over 30 hours straight. He credits it to tantra, but I'm not buying it no matter what.

He said: “As soon as we landed, we went straight to the Eiffel Tower, drank champagne at the top and just kissed and kissed. Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we were at it.”

The only difference between me and Diddy is that I tell the truth. All the time. Like the time I rescued a missing boy from the well. Or the time I saved a drowning puppy from falling through the ice. Little scruffy.. I will never forget you.

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Halle Berry Can Bend Over

I'm not sure what Halle was thinking about during the picture above, but I'm pretty sure she can floor a man with that look. Unlike me, who can floor trucks with my eyes, and crush helicopters with my mind.

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Britney Will Have You Shot

On Sunday, a church security guard pulled a gun on a photographer trying to snap Britney Spears.

The undercover officer, a retired policeman, ran out of the Hollywood church, aimed his weapon and shouted: "Get out of your car, get down."

He then handcuffed the photographer and accused him of trying to run over a traffic policeman before eventually releasing him.

Mike Hooper, executive director of the church, said: "One photographer was on the wrong side of the road and tried to run over an officer who had stopped traffic. He kept coming and one of our guards pulled a gun out. I cannot speak for the security officer, but he does not regret it. This is a church, not a concert."

I'm not sure if having a gun pulled on you is reasonable for taking Britney's picture, but it doesn't seem to cruel. Why not feed the man to an alligator for having his shoes untied? Or throw him into a shark tank for spilling some milk?

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The Courtney And Jennifer Kiss Sucked

According to most news sources, Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston were suppose to kiss in the season finale of Dirt. But there's only one problem, it sucked. They don't even open their fucking mouths, and this is one time when they are allowed to. Usually girls can only open their mouths when they have a penis in them.

btw: You will want to skip through the teeth grinding acting to get to the stupid kiss. pssh.

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Scarlett Johansson Is Not Exciting

In Scarlett's new Vogue shoot, she seems as boring as a plank of wood. Or a fishing competition. But that doesn't mean she isn't hot. She's so sexy that when she dies, I will probably masturbate during her eulogy.

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Thora Birch's Father Is Creepy

Thora Birch's father, Jack Birch, demanded to watch his daughter's sex scene in the film "The Winter of Frozen Dreams." Sex scenes are usually filmed on closed sets, but her father really wanted to watch.

A witness said: "It was so wrong. The director is saying, 'Harder! Faster!' and the father is giving Dean Winters (Thora's co-star) the thumbs up."

I'm not sure if the medical community has added this kind of thing to their disease list, but there should be a team of scientists working on it right now. If a woman is ever stupid enough to have my child - and it ends up being a girl - I'll be the first to be her slutty outfits, but I won't watch her blow guys in the school bathroom. That's just gross, and not classy. Unless she was wearing high heels. Was she wearing high heels?

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Christina Is Still Hotter Than Your Girlfriend

If any of you young ladies out there are looking for a reason to non get pregnant, this is it. If you were born hot and rich - and have the willpower to never eat - you can also be as bangable as Christina. And I hope you will, but I'll be sitting across from you eating a four course meal.

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Angelina May Be In Trouble

Word around town is Angelina Jolie may have a some trouble with Pax Thien Jolie. Apparently he was born to a heroin addict and left in a Vietnam hospital, because his mother couldn't pay the $30 bill. Now his mother may contest the adoption, because only his grandparents signed the documents.

Pax's grandfather said: "Our daughter is a heroin addict and her life has been ruled by drugs. When she finds out a rich movie star has adopted her baby, she will go after her for money and make trouble. She may even try to take the child back."

I'm pretty sure this woman will try to use Angelina as a cash cow, but once Angelina sends her 20 bucks it should all be taken care of. And other people are wondering why I just said the term "cash cow." It's because I just saw it on Lifetime. Damn you Debbie! You only married into the family for the money!

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Anna Nicole Smith Died From Drugs, Shocker

After what seems to be 7 years, the cause of Anna's death has finally come out. Thank you Dr. Perper, even if your name makes you sound like a child molester.

TMZ reports: "Anna did not take methadone the day she died, but there was evidence she had taken it several days earlier. Dr. Perper concluded was combined drug intoxication, including anxiety and depression medication, valium, ativan and antihistamine. She also had chloral hydrate, which was the major component in her death.None of the drugs in Anna's system were enough to kill her by themselves -- it was a lethal combo. The infected abscess in her buttock contributed. Dr. Perper says the death was accidental. It was not a suicide."

So I guess we waited around to find out what everyone already knew. The national enquirer knew this shit before the autopsy was finished. My mother could die and I'd lose interest in the story if it took this long to break.

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Scarlett Johansson Has Outtakes

If any of you masturbate to Scarlett as much as me you probably remember her sexy Esquire shoot a few months ago. Well, these are some of the outtakes from that shoot - and even though they aren't that great - my dick can still hold up the weight of my body right now. And it can also smash a brick. True story.

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Lindsay Sluts Up GQ

God only know why Lindsay Lohan is wearing the wrist bandage in her new GQ spread. Didn't she "fall on bushes" three months ago? Yah, whatever. And this sore on my lip is just a cold sore. It really is!

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Queen Latifah Is Embarrassed

Yah. I'd be pretty pissed too if someone took pictures of my 400 pound ass trying to catch fish in my bathing suit. Because that's what fat people do at the beach. They dive in and try to catch the fish. I'm not joking. I have a fat friend. They talk about it at their meetings.

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Gene Simmons Gets A Face Lift

Exciting news for all you 97 year old kiss fans. It looks like Gene Simmons has decided to do what all hardcore rockers do. And that's get a face lift. He apparently did it on some reality show that I'm not even sure exists. He may have just made it up in a press conference.

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Are You Freakin Serious?

Scientists who have studied human bone structure for decades were baffled yesterday when Michelle Trachtenberg was able to rotate her neck completely backwards. Later tests would indicate she didn't have a pulse, but that doesn't make her any different than most girls I have sex with.

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Rose McGowen Isn't Wearing A Bra

I know this isn't very exciting, but there isn't much more to post. Seeing Rose in a see through top is like seeing a dog roll around in his own shit. It's kind of funny and exciting at first, but eventually you just want to stop them. Or urinate on them.

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Carlos Mencia Steals From Bill Cosby

In completely unshocking news, Carlos Mencia has stolen a whole spot from Bill Cosby. This is really getting rediculous, because he clearly is a horrible thief. At least steal from people that aren't famous. This is like trying to rob a jewlery store with a spoon.

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Scarlett Johansson Shows Her Boob

Please believe me when I tell you that I could teach a monkey to cure cancer if it meant I could have sex with Scarlett Johansson. I would even give the monkey a suit, and he could give speeches on how the process works. Maybe his name would be Winthrop?

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Lindsay Lohan Is Classy

A first class act like myself usually wouldn't associate with girls like Lindsay, but that's only because I'm not new money. You can usually judge how classy a girl is by how she smokes her cigarette, and if she is wearing pants.

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