Lindsay Lohan Is Wearing Tights, Stupid Sunglasses

I'm not sure what fairytale caterpillar Lindsay borrowed those glasses from, but he probably gave her good advice on life. Caterpillars have the best knowledge when it comes to building magical bridges of love and attaining mystical goals. Just ask Randolph.

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Bald Britney Is For Sale

A bald Britney Spears doll has been sold on Ebay to the lucky person who bid $182.49. I think you would be better off feeding your money to a shark, but I guess some people are suckers. Just like Winthrop in the poker finals last year. He never saw my pocket aces, baby!

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Scarlett Johansson May Get The Plague

22 year old Scarlett Johansson is currently traveling through India and Sri Lanka, raising awareness about global poverty with international agency Oxfam. These pictures are from the Oxfam-funded Dalit school in the north Indian state of Uttar Pradesh.

Said Scarlett, who is currently in India: “I met a young girl, Gudiya, at a school for Dalit children, a community considered to be the lowest class. She was an amazing, bright young girl, full of ambition and attending the fifth grade. When asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, she said ‘a government official’. Every morning she rises at three a.m. to study and then complete the household chores before walking for half an hour to school.”

This story reminds me of when I was in Fifth Grade and Cass Winthrop from "Another World" came to the Southland Mall to sign autographs. I told him that my daddy left us and my mother works 2 jobs. Cass patted my head, then quickly moved on, and it made me wish I had made up a better story - like my parents dying in a fire and me being an orphan. #@$%#!!

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Jennifer Love Hewitt Shows Her Rack

Scientists have wondered for years why Jennifer love Hewitt has avoided nude scenes and worn big sweaters, but she finally wore something slutty at the Academy Awards. Seriously, my fashion coach tells me, "If you got it, flaunt it, baby!" So I do. Every single time. And I think she should too.

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Justin And Christina Have Sex

This is Justin Timberlake and Christina Ricci's sex scene from the upcoming movie Black Snake Moan. You would think a slut like Christina would have a little more spark in the sack, but she doesn't. If you walk in on your parents having sex tommorrow, it will be similar to this. Minus the stupid music in the background.

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Hugh Hefner Is Not Gay

80 year old Hugh Hefner is getting set to marry his 27 year old girlfriend, Holly Madison. "The wedding - which will be Hugh's third - will be aired on reality TV show 'The Girls Next Door' - which depicts life at the Playboy Mansion." The marriage with be Hef's third. "Hugh's first wife was Mildred Williams, who he wed in 1949. The couple, who divorced in 1959, have two children, Christie and David Paul. In 1989, Hugh married Kimberley Conrad - that year's Playboy Playmate. They separated in 1998." Hefner currently shares his Playboy mansion with 3 women: Bridget Marquardt; Kendra Wilkinson; and Holly Madison, but Madison is said to be his favourite.

This isn't a huge surprise, considering studies have proven that women who let people take pictures of their cooters are genetically predisposed to have sex with men who wear silk pajamas all day long. And wear a monogrammed ascot. And have a big, gold watch. And a penis pump. A solid gold penis pump, baby!

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Pink Is A 12 Year Old Boy

I swear to God I don't know how this bitch could get any uglier. If I saw her walking down the street I'd rip off my penis and throw it into oncoming traffic. And I'd make sure there was a big truck coming. VROOOM!

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Rosie O'Donnell Is A Plus Sized Lesbian

I'm not going to pretend to know who Beau Sia is - or how to pronounce his name - but I guess he's on HBO's Def Poetry Jam. He went on a rant complaining about the Rosie's not so recent "Ching Chong, Danny Devito" comment. To be honest, I forgot this even happened. Wasn't that like weeks ago or something? Come on Beau, join the internet world. Ching Chong, Ching Chong, internet.

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Cameron And Drew Smoke Weed In Bikinis

Both of these girls look like they've been hit in the face with a sack of nickels, so there really isn't much to look at. Except the joint that they rolled. And don't forget their horrible acting ability associated with their failed loved lives.

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The Oscars Sucked

Last night was the 79th annual Academy Awards, and as usual, they sucked more than a girl wanting one more line of blow. I'll save you some time and just ramble off the bigger awards.

Best Picture- The Departed

Best Actor- Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Best Actress- Helen Mirren, The Queen

Best Supporting Actor- Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine

Best Supporting Actress- Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls

Best Director- Martin Scorsese, The Departed

I really don't even know anybody that watches this garbage anymore. I'm pretty sure most directors feel it's an honor to not be nominated for the Acadamy Awards.

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Mischa Barton Smokes Pot

I don't 'know the Surgeon General personally -except for our annuel high stakes golf game - but I'm pretty sure he is against people smoking pot while driving. I'm not sure about drinking while getting a hand job from a hooker, but we can look into it. Obviously she is going to claim this is a hand rolled cigarette, because she has nothing else she can say.

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Britney Will Stab You With An Umbrella

This is the video of Britney attacking the paparrazi with an umbrella after K-fed refused to talk to her. I'm pretty sure Happiness magazine is going to name her mother of the year. And the mayor will give her the key to the city.

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Angelina Jolie Is Not Eating, Less Fat

Since her mother's death, Angelina Jolie has stopped eating and dropped to 109lbs.

A source told Us Weekly magazine: “She isn’t eating. She is very lonely and desperate to make new friends.”

The source added: “Brad has been worried about her day and night. She has been under so much stress, and Brad is trying to be understanding.”

Most of the supermodels I date claim that 109lbs is still a little to heavy, so I wouldn't be upset to see Angie drop a few more pounds. I never understand why jealous friends get upset when someone is losing a lot of weight by not eating. They are usually fat and just don't have the dedication to purge up their meals.

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Britney Spears Is Suicidal

Numerous reports are circulating that claim Britney Spears tried to kill herself twice after shaving her head. How did she try to kill herself? Get this, she tried to walk into oncoming traffic.

The source claims:"After she shaved off her hair, Britney had a complete breakdown and tried to kill herself."

The most interesting part of the story is that she tried to walk into traffic. People have no imagination anymore. What ever happened to a good old fashioned hanging, or just shooting yourself in the head. If I killed myself I'd do something clever at the end, like blame my parents. Or only be wearing Duck Tales boxers.

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Pamela Anderson Has Ethics

Pamela Anderson's sons were "disgusted" when, after leaving a Los Angeles Lakers game with the two boys, she was approached by a fan who asked her to sign a nude photo of herself.

Pamela said: "Someone was trying to shove this naked picture at me and the boys go, 'Mom, they were trying to get you to sign naked pictures.' ... The 39-year-old is not the only 'Baywatch' beauty who has refused to sign nude pictures of herself recently. Carmen Electra - who has posed naked for Playboy magazine - was happily autographing pictures for fans as she left [a Hollywood restaurant] earlier this month but stopped signing when presented with a naked photograph."

Why do people draw these silly lines in the sand? When I have male models to my apartment to do their portraits, they always start by say "only the face!" I tell them a photograph isn't real, it's just a collection of coloured dots on a page. Then I give them a bong and a lighter and a minute to think about it. Before too long they're wearing false eyelashes and a thong and I'm snapping photos and talking about French movies n' shit. Heh heh heh.

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Britney Does Drugs Or Has Lice

Most of the world is still trying to figure out the reasons for Britney shaving her head, and it is a toss up between two scenarios. One claims she has lice, while the other claims she did it to avoid drug testing.

The Daily Mail says: "She thought lice were eating her hair extensions, so decided to get rid of them as soon as possible."

While Extra is saying this: "Kevin threatened Britney that he was going to have people test her hair to find out exactly what she’s been up to. She was so scared. That was what made her have her head shaved."

It can't be good when you shave your head for lice or drugs, so she basically has nothing going for her besides millions of dollars. I once had to shave my head when me and my arch-rival had our frogs compete in a jumping contest. I obviously lost the battle, but it wasn't until years later that we realized it was our hidden friendship that kept the town going. And our good sportsmanship.

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Tyra Banks Proves Nothing

Tyra will tell you that she recreated this photo shoot in order to celebrate black history, but everyone knows that she only cares about herself. She only did this to try and show people she wasn't fat, but the picture is clearly photoshopped. And nothing illustrates her fat ass more than her video of trying on the bikini.

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Britney Spears Is In Rehab, Round Two

Britney Spears has checked herself into rehab again. Last week, the pop-singer "checked herself into a rehab facility in Antigua but checked out less than 24 hours later." A rep for the singer told People that she "has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility" in Los Angeles yesterday.

I don't know what the hell this girl is addicted to besides Big Macs and wiggers, but it must be pretty serious if it was necessary to shave her head and check into a clinic. This reminds me of the last time I was in trouble and had to reach out for help. I didn't shave my head first, though. All I needed was an emergency hug with my group, The Ladies who Love too Much.

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Rebecca Romijn Is Not Ugly

I don't know if it's the lack of sleep I have - or maybe my incredibly low standards - but Rebecca is finally looking hot again. This is her bra and pantie scene that took place on Ugly Betty. Me and my penis have had a talk, and we may start watching this show.



and the video..

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Anna Nicole Smith Is (Was) Bat Shit Insane

It's always interesting to see how people act in their own home - and if this video shows anything - it proves she was lucky to live as long as she did. While she was 8 months pregnant, she got high as a kite and pushed around a doll in a baby carriage. Wow, what a woman!

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Scarlett Johansson Is The Sexiest, Again

Scarlett Johansson has topped Playboy's annual 25 Sexiest Celebrities list. She blew away competition like like Angelina Jolie, Beyonce, Pam Anderson, Jennifer Lopez, Paris Hilton, and Jessica Alba.

The magazine writes: "Scarlett Johansson is the apex of beauty and sensuality - from her porcelain skin to her fully feminine figure to her mysterious charisma, which is at once palpable and indefinable."

Over the last two years, I'm pretty confident that Scarlett has won every sexy award that exists. She obviously deserves it, but I just don't know where it can go from here. Maybe we can build a huge gold statue of her in the middle of Central Park. And it can show her doing something cool like a karate kick. Her outfit would be sexy, but her fierce passion would be what people admired.

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Buy Britney's Hair

If you're a lucky bald woman who needs hair, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. If you have $1,000,000,000 to spend, you can start bidding on Britney's hair. Good luck, I've already sent in my bid. It may only be a picture of me masturbating, but a picture is worth a thousand words, baby!

Update: The hair link is dead again. It's been on and off for a few days now. Who cares.

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Britney Spears Is Sexy

When you realize your marriage has fallen apart and you're too fat for anybody to sleep with, just shave your head to get some attention. Hey, it worked for Brit.

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Tara Reid Is A Train Wreck

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